Deep Thoughts While On Lockdown

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Do you know what I realized during this lockdown? It takes so much time to heal wounds of the heart, mind, and soul. I will be two years separated from this monster my children call “dad,” but the pain of his torture on me is still there. Every time I see him, I panic. I have difficulty breathing, and my nerves are all acting up. I know he cannot hit me anymore or cannot threaten me. We are past that. It’s just that my body is still traumatized from everything, and no matter how much I try to hide it, it shows. The bastard is even taunting me. It seems that he enjoys seeing me flinch and suffer.

For now, there is contact because I have five kids with him. I live in a house provided by his parents because, in our twenty years of marriage, we were not able to set up on our own. Partly, it was my fault. I settled on that idea that since they were really rich, whatever he has is mine, as well. The problem is he has nothing. His mother has everything, and none was given to him legally. I was married to a man who is not a man.

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If it is not bad to say that I regret making that decision, the decision of loving him and marrying him, I would say it. But then again, I don’t regret being a mother. I love my children with all my heart. I may have a child who is like her father, disrespectful to me, but she is my child. It hurts too damn much that your own child is making you feel less of a mother, something that her dad does to me until now just to put me down all the more.

I regret being his wife, and for fully submitting to him all those years. Look at me now, I have nothing in my name, and at forty, I am starting my life. Who starts their life on zero at forty? I should have kicked off when I was 19, young, fresh, energetic, and excited. There should be a house now that I can live in, a car that I can use, and maybe some investments. But I was stupid. I enveloped myself in this love that was never really there. And now, because I live in one of their family homes, I am being thrown out.

How can I start now with five kids in tow and an income that cannot sustain it? Life has a cruel way of making me learn my lesson here. Sometimes, I think of all the bad things like ending my life. What’s the use? Do you know? Battling your inner demons together with a demon of an ex-husband is just too much to bear.

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When he is here at home, I tremble. My body reacts without me having to think about it. It is that terrible. What did that bastard do to me? Well, he almost choked me to death if not for my second-born, asking him to stop hurting me. That was the last time he lay his hands on me, but it certainly was not the first. Verbal abuse? What is that? He calls it reprimanding me while saying I am a pig, an “effed” up woman and useless. Me – the mother of his five children. Me – who gave up everything just to be with him. Me – who inhaled and exhaled his womanizing, gambling, and drug addiction ways. Me – who mistakenly loved him.

But, I am not a loser. I will not be bullied any longer. It is time for this demon within me, and that demon my kids call dad to stop the pestering. I will keep going. I will keep fighting, even if my whole body shakes with fear. I have to survive. I need to survive this.